Hmmm

As I sit here, listening to the rain battering my window, in mid June, in the cold, unable to sleep because my housemate is having loud sex with the beautiful bikini model, nobel prize winning, gymnast girlfriend he met by willing her into existence, staring at the crushingly terrible clinical supervisor report I've just been given I have to wonder what the point of it all really is.

I mean firstly, life is ever so unnecessarily hard, like the penis of a man with no hands and no girlfriend. From the day we're born to the day we die it's all a massive struggle against something; be it your inability to ride a bike without stabilisers, your inability to shag Amy Castledine or your inability to get round the track in mario kart without that FUCKING BLUE SHELL pissing you off. True, the starving children in Africa have it harder, but as far as I recall all they do is spend the day saying "Jambo, jambo jambo" at you until you punch them in the face.

Take my recently purchased bike, as an example. You'd think it would be a case of finding a bike to buy (yes yes the starving africans WISH they could afford a bike, or even lived in a country where people knew what bikes were) buying it and then riding it gleefully around the countryside. Perhaps stopping to have tea at a lovely teashop. Alas no, this is not the case. Firstly one must go into the bikeshop and look stupid (I find it rather irritating that despite all the, albeit minor, things I have achieved in life I am still made to look like an idiot on an almost daily basis) trying to get one's leg over the handlebar and wishing you hadn't worn those skinny jeans that Tash's mum insisted you buy. Eventually you find out the bike is too small (for once) and that you have to purchase the next size up. Unfortunately that bike doesn't EXIST in the next size up so you have to change to a different bike. Not only is this other bike more expensive but also there are none in stock. So you have to try something else, which can only be delivered to you by post. The courier can only deliver during working hours and, to aid matters, they will not deliver to an alternate address, call you to warn you that they are coming or indeed give you any indication of when they might consider delivering the bike at all.

Moral of this story: Don't try and buy a fucking bike. (It'll only break your hand).

Then there's the musical I've been asked to do in August. It's one of my favourites and it has an awesome piano part, further more it's on at a theatre where they have a Steinway and further to that Hywel is available and willing to play. The downside? Well it's in August and my job changes in August. Is there any way of contacting the person in charge of giving me leave in August? No there is not. When, then, can I tell the producer of the show if I can do it? About the week before. Is this agreeable to anyone? No it is not.

Next up: Strike action. Usually I'm totally against strike action, it's a surefire way to make sure that the job losses you are going on strike to protest about definitely happen. Now all the doctors are going on strike for a different reason - pensions. Now it's important to understand how badass our pensions actually are, I think they equate to about £65k a year. Which is not bad at all. The crux of the matter, however, is that the government, as part of the general world wide "fuck you doctors we don't need you" policy is slowly etching away at our pension until it eventually ceases to exist. "Booo hisss" you all say "but you DOCTORS earn so much money anyway you don't even need a pension". Now listen. I know you all work very hard and so on but realistically REALISTICALLY do you work nights and bank holidays and come into work early and leave late and put up with shit from every direction only to come home to watch some program on TV about how shit you are? Do you have to miss out on doing things because you can't book leave? Do you have to pay a fee every year to keep doing your job? Do you have to keep doing exams (which you also pay for) for the rest of your life? Do you have to put up with douchebags suing you because they feel that their mum didn't quite get as much love during her final stages of dementia as you'd have hoped. Do you have to, in your spare time, write up journal articles and get them published? Do you have to never be ill because you can only take a certain number of days off ill a year before you have to start the year again? Do you have to go to work and always be the bad guy for no reason other than public perception? Do you have to fill in a ridiculous ePortfolio full of all your feelings and write reflections on everything you've done? All for less than they pay the tube drivers to press a button? Bah!

Once upon a time doctors had a few things: 1. The respect of the public 2. The respect of other staff and a degree of power to get things done.

1. Nowadays we have empowered patients to make their own decisions. This is great news, no longer do people go into theatre for an operation without knowing what the fuck it is that people are cutting out and we don't start people on medicines just for fun without telling them about it. Sadly, though, this means people have got a little bit bolshy about the necessity for doctors at all. "I read in the internet" they say, in a grammatically incorrect fashion, "that this drug doubles your chance of getting Rareoblastoma, a form of cancer"
"Well, yes" you reply "But it decreases by 700% your chance of having a massive brain haemorrhage"
"But I don't want cancer"
"There is only a 0.0000001% chance of you getting that cancer without the drug and a 0.0000002% you will get it with the drug. That's still very small"
"But the paper says"
"Firstly, my son, 'The Daily Mail' is not so much a newspaper as it is Goebbels reincarnate, secondly are you suggesting that you DO want the brain haemorrhage? Because, believe me, I can make that happen"
"I'm suing you"

2. It used to be that doctors were dickheads, yes indeed. The stories I've heard of the way they used to sexually abuse nurses was frankly shocking and their god complex attitude was unnerving to say the least. These days, however, doctors are picked especially for how fluffy and full of feelings they are and the majority, as a result, are like me: i.e. crippled by self doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Noone important, it seems though, has picked this up and the first lesson of nursing school seems to be "Don't let those up themselves twat faced doctors try and tell you what to do". This means that scenarios like the following happen.

"Oh hi, Ms Nurse, I was just wondering if you'd had a chance to give those life saving antibiotics to that patient yet"
"I'm on my break"
"Oh sorry, when are you off your break"
"Can't tell you"
"OK is there anyone else who could do it?"
"You'd have to ask them"
"Who?"
"I'm on my break"
"Can I just put them up?"
"Why, are you suggesting that I'm not GOOD enough to do it because I'm not a DOCTOR?. How DARE you?!"

Nurses are not aware, however, of any "breaks" that we may be entitled to. Barging in on us whilst we hold a sandwich hovering tantalisingly at the entrance of our mouths and demanding we do the eDischarge summary for a patient that MIGHT go home 3 weeks on Tuesday is standard fare. Should we dare to suggest that we're busy then a black mark is scored against our name amongst all nurses forever. "That Doctor" they say conspiratorially in their staff room that we are not allowed entry into, lest we gain access to the box of chocolates the patients gave them because they hate us "Was SO rude to me just now. Told me he couldn't be BOTHERED to do the eDischarge he needs to do so that we can fill out our pointless paperwork"

(I should point out this does not include any of the nurses on 307, who are all amazing people and who I love wholeheartedly)

Walking on eggshells 10 hours a day gives you pretty sore feet. I can tell you that much.

Of course as a profession we are totally fucked. We can't, morally, do anything REAL to protest because then everyone would die and people would hate us even MORE, so we just have to stand here and take abuse. Also: that "Junior Doctors: Life In Their Hands" TV series. What the BBC could have done, if they weren't all total dicks, is create a program about the realities of being a doctor, how it's actually quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining. How we all put in extra for our patients and how we have to make hard decisions. Instead they thought it would be better just to show how shit some doctors are. Thanks BBC, that's just great. Remind me to make a programme about how shit some of your programs are. It would star Xzibit "I heard you like shit programmes? Well I made a shit programme about your shit programmes and put it in your shit programme"

Anyway I imagine you've stopped reading by now.

G